shitty eyes

Loneliness is non-negotiable. It is the mark of independence. and bravery. It is also the positive chemical reaction between alcohol, when my brain tells me to drink more. It is the feeling of feigned happiness. Alcohol, that is.

It is the feeling of actual happiness. It comes and it goes. It disappears during a rare, random, and unplanned moment. I recognize it in the look that is not fleeting. It is interested, but not sexual or lustful. It is non-judgmental. It is engagement for the sake of engagement. I recognize it, because I savor those moments. And realize that all other moments are moments in which I am lonely.

There times when I have not felt lonely.

Like meeting my husband for the first time in a nightclub, finding out that we smoked the same cigarettes, and talking with him for hours, while music played, people got drunk, our friends went away, and life went on.

In the car, when my daughter seeks my advice about the deeper meaning of the more mundane and less-contemplated conundrums, irritations, and pleasures of everyday life.

In the car, when my son or daughter recognizes something I do, or at home, when they possessively claim something that is mine, or protect me in an argumene with my husband, and call me Mommy. I do not feel lonely when my children call me Mommy.

Talking to my mother or father about things I wouldn't tell my friends and things I wouldn't have told my mother or father ten years ago. Feeling good, and loved,almost euphoric, as if I am talking to a new love interest, or a cool new friend, about something cool that only they understand and that we have in common. Actually taking and savoring their advice. Really understanding (and acknowledging, if only internally) that they really do know what the F they are takling about.

Drinking by myself.

Watching foodnetwork (although I always feel lonely and desparate when I am cooking--absolutely do not know why).

The few minutes when I meet up with my pretend friends and they seem really excited to see me and have no idea how lonely I am because of the fact that I'm not really that much a part of their lives but they are a huge part of each other's lives. The moment when it feels as if that is truly a non-recognizable issue for them (or that they do not recognize that it is an issue for me). Kind of like a child who tells you your breath smells but then gives you the most genuine, biggest hug ever, and shows you a sweater they knitted for you.

Receiving texts from my sister, telling me how much she misses and loves me.

Loneliness is the absence of happiness and hopefulness and understanding and empathy and sympathy and respect.

I want it, but I don't know how to get. it. The absence of loneliness. Death has crossed my mind, but that's not an option. This is not new.

I think I'm just going to give up and enjoy the absence of loneliness during the moments described above and try to make them happen more frequently, as opposed to trying to make more incidents like that happen. I can't wait to travel to California and get my nails done and get Mexican food and get drunk with my sister.