Fatigued.

For quite some time now, pretty much everytime I think something that I really can't say because it's mean, or will embarrass myself or somebody else, I've wanted to log onto this secret "blog" and write shit out. Apparently that is what my mind wants to believe this blog's purpose is. But reading through the previous entries makes it clear that that is what I only wish I could do. I don't know if I think someone is going to read the shit, or what. Or if I'll be embarrassed by it later on when I read it myself. But nobody reads this shit. So that has to be the reason. Unless I want the blog to "like" me? What a loser.

By the way, if I sound less than eloquent, it's because I'm pregnant again...I guess I'm about 8 months now. My brain is totally fried. I'm slow. Sometimes I can't figure stuff out or remember things. And other times I can't write a sentence. It doesn't help that I work in a job that sucks every single piece of living breath of fucking creativity and individuality (not to mention self-esteem) out of every cell in your body, but I think that the job thing might be tangential to the fact that I have issues with writing now. Or maybe I've just hit a wall and I'm going downhill. Who knows. I care, but I just don't have either the energy to address it or the mental capacity to figure it out and remedy it. So I'll leave it be, it is what it is, and I will hereby (shit I can't believe I used that fucking word...that's some legal motion shit) I will hereby deem this blog the blog of things recorded, the blog of accountability, and the blog of almosts and what-ifs. That doesn't make any sense at all, but somehow it represents what my feeble mind is trying to muster up the strength to articulate.

So I've been wanting to do a few things in the past couple of weeks.

1. Make a list of things Jake and I need to do in preparation for the baby. I'm not being deep here. Just shit we need to do. Like get the crib out of the garage, or buy clothes. Or whatever it is we need to do. Which is what I'm going to determine and hold myself accountable for here. I can't seem to actaully DO anything right now. I'm paralyzed.

2. Set goals. Everyone says this as if it's so fucking easy. As if people just think of things they want, short term and long term, and then think of how "realistic" it will be to accomplish them, and write them down. I even came across some shit that said if you write goals down and look at them in ten years, you will probably have accomplished them all. My purpose in writing goals down at this juncture is because I'm REALLY CONFUSED. Not only do I still not know what I want to "do" with my life and am extremely unhappy with my career, but I also need to identify how all of that fits into the whole family deal, and how the fuck I'm going to get out of the huge financial crisis I'm in now. I envy the single bitch who can just pick up the pieces and move on. I.e., I'm trying to type as fast as I can before the kid wakes up.

3. Create a menu for my restaurant which I'm going to open up before I die. Ok, in my 30's. Hopefully that's not some sort of sick prophesy that I'm going to die before I'm 40. That was completely unintentional. I should erase it, but since I didn't mean it, I'll leave it. I was just underestimating my potential by stating that I have my entire life to do the restaurant deal. I'm going to do it within ten years. Anyways, the reason for me wanting to create the menu is that I am tired of making food that I mentally add to my non-existing "menu," only to not be able to remember it later on. And I want to at least be able to go to it to see how everything is gelling and melding together. And I want to turn and twist ideas in the cog...see how things change over time.

That's it...I intended to at least start the baby list today, but I am just too tired. I should have used this time to sleep, but I hate taking naps when I know I have to wake up at some time not determined by me but by little persons who used to be inside of me.