'Tis True

This is an exercise in I don't know what. I felt like making a list of sixteen things I thought I thought I would never do, but did, or currently still do. Next, I'll make a list of sixteen things I still think I will never do. The purpose of either of these lists is completely beyond me. I think they will have some purpose, though.

Sixteen things I thought I would never do.

1. I never thought I would think I was an alcoholic.

2. I never thought I would be addicted to cigarettes.

3. I never thought I would gain 40 pounds in the three years after I graduated from college.

4. I never thought I would feed my kids Kraft macaroni and cheese at least once a week.

5. I never thought I would come to eventually think that Kraft macaroni and cheese actually tasted good.

6. I never thought I would be living in a shitty two bedroom apartment in southeast DC at the age of 31 after going to lawschool for three horrible fucking years and becoming a fucking lawyer.

7. I never thought I would be enter the pre-foreclosure process.

8. I never thought I'd buy a house in Ohio, or that I would one day have tenants.

9. I never thought I'd be afraid of getting old.

10. I never thought I'd start to look old.

11. I never thought I'd become brutally aware of and eventually self conscious of and ashamed of my mannerisms as I grew older.

12. I never thought I would meet someone who could love me as much as my husband does and stay with me even though I am a total fucking bitch to him all the time.

13. I never thought I'd meet anyone I could tolerate being around for longer than three days.

14. I never thought I'd be a shitty Mom.

15. I never thought clean counters and floors would actually start to become an obsession.

16. I never thought I'd completely stop reading books by the age of 31.



Sixteen things I think I'll never do.

1. I'll never enjoy going to social gatherings where alcohol is not served.

2. I'll never like being a lawyer.

3. Not one day will go by where I will not audibly enunciate the words "fuck" and "shit."

4. I'll never make anymore friends that I will be communicate with for longer than five years.

5. I'll never ...this list is harder. As I write this shit, I'm thinking that I don't want any of these to be self-fulfillling prophecies, but I do believe these things. I don't knwo whether they are predictions or whether they are things I want, or don't want, or whether I'm just being cynical.

Fuck it...I'll do this shit later.

Plus One

Sometimes, I feel as if I am going to explode. Or implode. Sometimes, I feel as if I want to love everybody in the world, have a huge orgasm, or mound of coke or ecstasy. Other times, I never want to leave the confines of blankness, anonymity, and virtual lifelessness. A place where I don't have to communicate with anyone, including my brain. Most of the time, I at least want to tell people to fuck off.

What is normal? And why does being honest with yourself either end up in the commission of a serious crime, a really good novel, the end of a friendship or relationship, or an educatory experience for others? Why does it have to affect someone else in order to be valuable?