Sin Brut

I'm on day four of sobriety. Well, this is not real sobriety--this is the sobriety imposed by my doc of two drinks twice a week, which is literally about a tenth or less of the amount I usually drink. Yesterday, I was feeling really anxious, so I had a glass of wine when I came home from work. I struggled with whether to "waste" my first drink of the week that night but I ended up giving in at around 9:30. It didn't relax me, nor did it make me feel any better. It just made me feel like I had a glass of wine. Today, I feel this same anxious energy and would love to call a friend and stop at a bar for a beer on the way home, but we all know that one intended beer equals six for me. So I'm not gonig to do it. The major thing I've noticed in the past few days is that my mind has been so fricking clear, it's crazy. I mean, I've actually been able to do my work efficiently and thoughtfully and I am somewhat organized, and I haven't been distracted by email and the internet (except for this, but I just wanted to type what I was feeling at this moment). Also, although my energy is a bit anxious, is more of an alterness that I am not used to and I do not have the nervous energy I usually feel at this time of day. I am obviously not as tired (but that could also be because I've been going to bed at 10:30 instaed of my usual post midnight bedtime, which could also be a positive effect of not drinking. I feel great and hope that I can continue on this path and not coil myself into a tight ball of nerves. The doctor said that 4 to 6 months of sobriety is biggest indicator of permanency.

The only other time I've been completely sober was both times I was pregnant, and I remember it being horrible. But I do not know what it is like to just be sober, period, without all of the raging hormones. It has been so long that I don't even really remember what it was like. That's sad. This isn't so bad!

Ok...I'll post updates when I feel I need to.