Fuck

What is it about external gratification that can make or break your day, your life? For the most part, throughout all of these years of living, attempting to exist in various circles, I've tried to pretend as if it doesn't matter. But it does.

I guess you can analogize it to a friendship. It's hard to admit that you need the support and kinship of others to feel good about yourself. Most of the time, I make submit to myself that I would rather be alone. But whenever I make a connection with another person, I feel good. Similarly, when it's clear that I'm not the light of anyone's life, I feel like shit.

Last week I almost had a breakdown...I wanted to just leave everything and everyone and start my life anew. It's almost as if I didn't want to expose myself to the possibility, or reality of, rejection. I feel as if I've been rejected more times than I've been accepted.

Rejection isn't tangible. It's a feeling, and intuition. It's a certain look, lack of words, sequence of events, that all of of sudden knocks you down, disables you.

I've always had a burning desire to know why. I want to ask...I need an explanation. Many times my inquisitiveness will be in the form of an verbal observation...but that only makes me look needy and insecure. Why is an acknowledgement of the truth equivalent to insecurity? Should I just pretend as if I don't give a fuck?

Whatever. Life will move on, different levels of rejection will abound. I could go into it in more detail, but I think it would be too painful for me to recount the plethora of crowning moments in which I've felt this way.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to start with what's bothering me now. As noted in previous blogs, it hurts to speak the truth. But at the same time, it needs to be done.

I just accomplished a major milestone. I passed the bar. But that's not where it begins, that's pretty much where it ends and becomes too much for me to bear. Ok, I'm not going to go into it. It's not worth it.