WTF?

I'm seriously going to have to vent on here more often. Reading through the shit I wrote over the past 9 months was therapeutic - it made me feel less crazy than I actually thought I was/am, because when I wrote that shit I felt crazy and neurotic, and in comparison to the way i feel now, I actually sound quite sane and put together. If that's even a comprehensible phrase - "put together." It's actually pretty sad when you think about it. Reading past blogs makes my self esteem go through the roof. It's kind of like reading something that somebody else wrote and then wishing that you could be like that person, I guess. Like: "Hmm...I sound so interesting." LOL

Wow. I cant believe I thought the end of pregnancy would be the end of self-doubt, bitchiness, basically the indescribable ever present misery that I've felt since I put down the bottle at the fifth week of gestation back in August '05. It's still here!!! I'm still what I would characterize as depressed, laced with chronic anxiety. According to Dr. T, it's not post-partum depression until I can't get out of bed or eat. What the fuck? So that fact that I feel like I'm sinking into a dark, swirling abyss of hopelessness everytime I get out of bed in the morning doesn't count? (Count towards what, I don't know.) Not to mention while I'm breastfeeding, something akin to my soul seeping through my pores occurs. I think that the hardest thing for me to reconcile is whether I've always felt this way and just covered it up with alcohol and drugs. I don't know if reconcile is the right word to use...it presupposes the existence of the very thing I'm trying to confirm the existence of. So I guess that's my subconscience speaking and the answer to my question - yes, I did feel this way before I got pregnant. I was just able to manage it better with a little help.

The babe calls. More later. I do have a lot to say, mainly because I find I can't say it to anybody else. Or is it because I have no one else to say it to? I think it's a combination of the two. I probably wouldn't be honest anyway if I did. But sometimes when I write like this, I'm embarrassed even then to read my own truths. I guess that's why I was so surprised that the person I appeared to be in the previous posts seemed different from the person I thought I was at the time. Life sucks.

Peace